Grief comes in waves. Some moments I am fine, and there are other times when I am cloaked in sadness. But, no matter how I am feeling there is always that ache in my heart. The emptiness. The loss.
Adapting to a new normal is hard. I catch myself thinking that I need to call her and tell her something, or I think "Grandma would love this". She is everywhere. There are multiple things from her or made by her in every room of our house. And, I love it that way. Even though she is gone, her presence is still felt. She is still giving.
She was more than just a Grandmother, she was one of my best friends. She was my buddy. She would act like a kid with me, and we would always have a wonderful time together. I had so many special little things that I shared with her. We had little games we would play together. We had special nicknames for each other. It is hard to imagine that all I have left of her is the memories and the things she left behind.
This road of missing her Will be long, and hard. The grief and mourning will in time, ease. But, there will always be an emptiness-- on holidays, on birthdays, in her home, and in our lives.
It is hard to believe that something so drastic and tragic can happen so quickly. I close my eyes and think back on the last four weeks. Watch the events unfold in my mind. I think back to the first time I saw her laying in the hospital bed, barely able to speak. I can still hear one of the last conversations we had. It was on books, food, and children-- all things that she loved. I can imagine how it felt when I would hug her, or hold her hand. I can still hear her voice, and see her smile.
Grandma, I miss you. So, So much. I love you always.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Sunday, May 20, 2012
In loving memory....
Two weeks ago my grandmother left her life on her to be with her Savior. And while yes, we are so happy for her that she is out of the pain and suffering that she endured on her life on earth, it is still so hard to try to go on in life without her.
Dear Grandma, BooBoo, Thelma, Julia and all the many other names that you were called by me,
I don't know where else to begin but by saying that you were wonderful. You were fun, you were special, and you were loved. Very, very loved. There are so many things that I wish I could tell you. I want to tell you that the hours and hours that you spent pouring into our lives--whether it be by sewing something for us, writing in our journals, creating our scrapbooks, playing games with us, or just talking to us--all that time and effort, it paid off. Oh, Grandma how it paid off. I want those days back when we would play in the pool for hours, when we would go shopping at Belks for my Easter dress when I was little, when we would eat ambrosia together every Christmas, when we would stay up until the wee hours of the morning playing games, and when we would make pancakes together every time that we came to visit.
I know that you went through so much pain and so much suffering. And, while some grandchildren can boast about how their grandma does this or that for them, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that my grandma lived for her grandchildren. You went to dialysis three times a week, even though you hated it, just so you could live longer for us.
You have touched countless lives, in so many ways. You had such a deep love for people, and you cared about them so much. The legacy that you left is so immense. And so beautiful.
Thank you for teaching me so many things. You taught me that the menial things count and don't go unnoticed. You knew how to do things well when it came to organizing anything- whether it be a simple birthday celebration or a wedding. You were amazingly gifted when it came to sewing, quilting, and scrap booking. And, you have left so many things that we can enjoy in the years to come.
And Grandma, the quilt that you told me that you were going to make years ago, I saw it for the first time a few days after you were gone. I had completely forgotten about it, and when I was reminded of it I cried. Because even though your hands were gnarled by the gout that restricted what you did with them, you still made it. And it was perfect, and beautiful.
Grandma, thank you for teaching me to appreciate the fun things in life. Like lime popsicles, and fluffy Amish books. Every time that I eat a popsicle, or read an Amish book I will think of you... and I will smile.
Thank you for being proud of me. For coming to my ballet recitals, and after I quit ballet for always asking me how piano was going. You acknowledged the simple things in all of your grandchildrens lives, and it meant so much.
Life will never be the same without you. But we will carry on the traditions that you kept and we will never forget about them. When we all gather together to celebrate holidays I can promise you that there will be a festive table cloth laid out, and the food that you always fixed will be made.
Thank you for always being proud of us. I am so proud of you. I love to tell people about you, and what a wonderful grandmother you were.
You fought the good fight, you finished the race, you kept the faith. Thank you, Grandma.
You are loved. So very, very much... forever.
Dear Grandma, BooBoo, Thelma, Julia and all the many other names that you were called by me,
I don't know where else to begin but by saying that you were wonderful. You were fun, you were special, and you were loved. Very, very loved. There are so many things that I wish I could tell you. I want to tell you that the hours and hours that you spent pouring into our lives--whether it be by sewing something for us, writing in our journals, creating our scrapbooks, playing games with us, or just talking to us--all that time and effort, it paid off. Oh, Grandma how it paid off. I want those days back when we would play in the pool for hours, when we would go shopping at Belks for my Easter dress when I was little, when we would eat ambrosia together every Christmas, when we would stay up until the wee hours of the morning playing games, and when we would make pancakes together every time that we came to visit.
I know that you went through so much pain and so much suffering. And, while some grandchildren can boast about how their grandma does this or that for them, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that my grandma lived for her grandchildren. You went to dialysis three times a week, even though you hated it, just so you could live longer for us.
You have touched countless lives, in so many ways. You had such a deep love for people, and you cared about them so much. The legacy that you left is so immense. And so beautiful.
Thank you for teaching me so many things. You taught me that the menial things count and don't go unnoticed. You knew how to do things well when it came to organizing anything- whether it be a simple birthday celebration or a wedding. You were amazingly gifted when it came to sewing, quilting, and scrap booking. And, you have left so many things that we can enjoy in the years to come.
And Grandma, the quilt that you told me that you were going to make years ago, I saw it for the first time a few days after you were gone. I had completely forgotten about it, and when I was reminded of it I cried. Because even though your hands were gnarled by the gout that restricted what you did with them, you still made it. And it was perfect, and beautiful.
Grandma, thank you for teaching me to appreciate the fun things in life. Like lime popsicles, and fluffy Amish books. Every time that I eat a popsicle, or read an Amish book I will think of you... and I will smile.
Thank you for being proud of me. For coming to my ballet recitals, and after I quit ballet for always asking me how piano was going. You acknowledged the simple things in all of your grandchildrens lives, and it meant so much.
Life will never be the same without you. But we will carry on the traditions that you kept and we will never forget about them. When we all gather together to celebrate holidays I can promise you that there will be a festive table cloth laid out, and the food that you always fixed will be made.
Thank you for always being proud of us. I am so proud of you. I love to tell people about you, and what a wonderful grandmother you were.
You fought the good fight, you finished the race, you kept the faith. Thank you, Grandma.
You are loved. So very, very much... forever.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Spring And A Few Favorites
I don't realize how much I miss something until it leaves for a while and reappears. That is what happened with spring. I claim that I don't mind the winter weather-- and most of the time I don't-- but once the slightest hint of spring appears I become anxious for it to make it's big debut.
We welcomed spring here with our wonderful cousins when they came up for a long weekend. (The pictures aren't wanting to upload at the moment, so I will have to post those separately).
Favorites right now...
This verse~ "Praise the LORD! For it is good to sing praises to our God; For it is pleasant, and praise is beautiful." Psalm 147:1
.
My semi-spring break this coming week. I enjoy school, but I am looking forward to the cut back in work this week. It is nice to have breaks every so often.
.
Morning walk and a little running. While I wouldn't say that exercising in the mornings is one of my favorite things, I have learned to appreciate them for what they are. I love the morning sunlight coming through the trees, horses across the street, and being outside in the cool air.
.
Pinterest. I'm discovering something that I love everyday.
.
This song. I love the twist that Audrey Assad gave this beautiful hymn.
.
Easter. It brings New Life- in Christ, and in the world around us.
See the land, her Easter keeping,
Rises as her Maker rose.
Seeds, so long in darkness sleeping,
Burst at last from winter snows.
Earth with heaven above rejoices... ~Charles Kingsley
Monday, February 27, 2012
Music and Photos
-"Legend of the Falls" piano theme song (I know nothing about this movie, and have never seen it before, but the theme song is beautiful).
-"Expressions" by Helen Jane Long
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Forming
When I wrote out "forming", I thought about the new year. How the new year--fresh and spread out ahead--is forming day by day.
I want this to be a year that I look back on and smile on.
Not because everything went perfect- because it won't. Or because everything went the way I thought it would- because then again, it won't.
No..I want this year to be different. I want to be challenged. Changed.
And, I don't want what I just wrote to be a feeling that lingers until the first month is over, but one that stays. That is my heart's desire throughout the whole year. One that stays throughout the moment's when I am content and happy, and in the one's that it would be easier to forget the word challenge.
----
And, with that, let me say that I am looking forward to the new year forming. With it's moments that hold only what God knows.
"No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven."
~Philippians 3:13-14
****
May the new year be a year to remember. And may it be good. Very good.
I want this to be a year that I look back on and smile on.
Not because everything went perfect- because it won't. Or because everything went the way I thought it would- because then again, it won't.
No..I want this year to be different. I want to be challenged. Changed.
And, I don't want what I just wrote to be a feeling that lingers until the first month is over, but one that stays. That is my heart's desire throughout the whole year. One that stays throughout the moment's when I am content and happy, and in the one's that it would be easier to forget the word challenge.
----
And, with that, let me say that I am looking forward to the new year forming. With it's moments that hold only what God knows.
"No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven."
~Philippians 3:13-14
****
May the new year be a year to remember. And may it be good. Very good.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)